The beauty in letting go.
“I just have this feeling that you’re going to find people that you like being around more than me, and we won’t be as close.” I expressed to her in a careless tone. I acted as if I was unaffected by our conversation, but I was actually crawling in my skin. “I don’t see that ever happening” she replied. In my stubbornness and pessimism, I said, “You say that now, but I see you finding friends that are less complicated. Honestly, I would be happy if you found different friends. It will probably be better for you; less toxic.” I repeated again and again. This is a conversation I had with my best friend, Hannah, who I have been living with since high school. She and I are like sisters with a type of bond I had never experienced before. We are two very different people, and really share nothing in common except for our love for Christ and our bossiness.
It is rare for me to become attached to people as I have become with Hannah. She somehow crept into my heart and carved her name in the walls of it. Which is kind of annoying. Like sisters, we can get on each other’s nerves like no other, but she is also one of the only people that can talk sense into my thick skull. I have grown a little dependent on her always being there, which is so scary to me. I still struggle with knowing the fact that she is so important, because what if it ends? This is the type of thought that many of us face when we are scared to lose someone we love.
If you are anything like me, you become so fearful that you push people away before they can even prove you wrong. Hannah, bless her soul, has watched me do this to so many people. Now I was doing it to her, even after all the loyalty she has shown me through the years.
I had to reevaluate my thinking at that moment. Yes, I am very scared to lose such a vital friendship, but why am I so afraid of losing her? Isn’t Christ enough? Even if my entire family and everyone I loved abandons me, Christ’s love would still be more than sufficient,
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” -2 Corinthians 12:9
I see Christ’s strength most in my weaknesses; my need for control, my efforts in protecting my heart, and my irrational lack of trust in people. In my fear of losing and dread of change, God’s unchanging and steadfast love brings me comfort. Relationships with people are important, just as fellowship is. However, it is never supposed to become an idol. If I am depending on a person for my happiness, comfort, and love, then what am I depending on Christ for?
In my life, it is very evident that humans do not have the power to take care of something as fragile as a heart. We are reckless and disorderly creatures, running off of emotion and traveling with the wind. Though this is true with humans, God is nothing like this. He is not unreliable, he is not chaotic. He is good, He is peace, He is life. With Him, I lack nothing.
“The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.” Psalm 23
Knowing this, I chose to let go of my fear and trust God with my future. I let go of painful memories that cause me to worry about being left behind. I surrender the anxious feelings that swell within me when I think of those I love. My life is not mine anyway, but instead, it is Christ’s, and if I am truly a follower of Christ, I will be willing to lose everything in order to find Him.
“For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” Matthew 16:25
What I want you to take from this is: you are not in control. Life will make that very apparent to you. Lean on the Creator of all things. Do not do this on your own. Humans are strong and resilient, but there comes a time when we all break. Take advantage of that brokenness and lay it at the feet of Jesus. Your worth is not found in people, relationships, success. It is solely found in Jesus Christ, the Alpha and the Omega, the Savior of the world, the returning King.
“I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.” Psalm 121